I Got My Wisdom Teeth Removed and All I Got Was This Lousy Bloody Wisdom Tooth

The stories people told me about wisdom teeth have run the gamut from it being God-awful torture to being no biggie, so I had no idea what to expect. Also, my body is weirdly resilient to a lot of injury, but I also have a low pain threshold and a strong aversion to blood. Would I bounce back immediately, or would I scream and faint like a cartoon dowager?

With Jen Mac patiently waiting for me in the waiting room, I ventured forth to meet my destiny.

And you know what? It sucked.

I decided to splurge on the nitrous oxide, not just because of the obvious reasons, but because I was really interested in experiencing it. You know, scientific observation and all that. Most people tell me the gas makes them forget everything, then are ridiculously incoherent for X amount of time afterward. And I totally wanted to get in on that.

Now I'm not sure what's up with my body chemistry, but either the gas tanks weren't working properly or I'm immune, because I never felt any different. Throughout the entire procedure (about 75 minutes), I felt totally in my right mind. Not even mildly buzzed or anything. I even questioned them afterward, like, "Are you SURE those tanks were set up properly?"

As for the procedure itself, it wasn't so bad. The dentist decided to leave one in because it isn't hurting anybody and is dangerously close to a nerve. The two on top were easy-breezy-Cover Girl, they said it only took about two minutes to remove both of them.

That part is the only reason I think the gas might have worked - I remember them putting little clamps or something on my teeth, but I have no memory whatsoever of them removing my uppers.

The bulk of my time in the chair was spent on Mr. Lower Right, the problem child that was impacted and pretty much entirely horizontal. They worked on that asshole for about an hour, and had to smash him up and extract him, piece by piece.

And this is where it was dreadful. Not only was it boring, but it hurt! They say it was because of the proximity to the nerve, but man, you know what sucks? Feeling something drill into your jaw.

Worse than the pain was the feeling of blood spurting in my mouth. I was all numbed up, so thankfully I couldn't taste it, but I knew what it was, and that grossed me the eff out. Typing this now, with a mouthful of bloody gauze, I get nauseous. And the thought of me constantly swallowing a spit/blood combo for the next many hours is just as awful.

And then there was the boredom. I thought the dentist was pretty mean to the assistant, and people just walked in and asked questions. It was all very casual. Which I guess is good, it means this wasn't a tricky procedure, but at the same time, let the man work. There were times I wished I had my phone with me so I could text people about how shitty of a time I was having (what a horrible text to receive), or maybe play Mr. Do's Castle.

But I exited the surgery totally coherent, totally fine. They let me keep one of the uppers (the other one was too disgusting, they said), but both of 'em were in pretty sorry shape. Decayed and stuff, which I don't understand, since they were under the gum. This surprised the assistant, too (she's new). I wish I could post a picture, but I already accidentally ate the damn thing.

Turns out I didn't need Jen Mac to drag me home, I felt totally normal, just with a numb jaw. So home I went, bought a lot of soft foods (I hope my roommate likes pudding, because I accidentally bought twice as much as I planned), took a Vicodin, and continued calling places about apartments.

Sarah came over soon after, and although I couldn't eat (I refuse to eat until my mouth is no longer bloody), I got to at least smell the pizza she made. It was good.

Then, as the Novocaine died, my jaw felt worse and worse until I was just about ready to cry, because it's all so tedious. My jaw is tired, I'm sick of holding it open to fit around this damn gauze, it aches constantly, and there's always blood, always blood.

The Vicodin, like the nitrous oxide, had zero effect... at first. Later, after taking a stronger dosage (is that illegal?), my jaw started returning to normal and I finally felt well enough to write this entry.

And that's, I say for the last time, the tooth!